Left to Wonder
by SimplyHermione
Summary: Short oneshot. HGDM. Reflections. It's been three years to the day since he left. He didn't leave a note. He didn't leave a message. I haven't seen his owl, and I haven't heard a word from anyone concerning him. Maybe I'm just better off not knowing.
1. Hermione

**They're J.K. Rowling's. **

_We tried it. Two years out of Hogwarts. Draco and I, that is._

_It was an... interesting time to say the least. It was a few months, at the very most. We were on and we were off, and we were essentially all over the place._

_I nearly lost Harry and Ron both in the midst of all of it._

_No one understood. I'm not even sure we did. There was just this entirely inexplainable connection; some sort of draw that made absolutely no sense._

_He was borderline evil, and I let him be. I retaliated some, but mostly took it. From what I gathered, he liked it that way. I was less of a threat to him when I just gave in. There was less of a chance for me leaving._

_We ended, eventually. I don't even remember who broke it off with whom that final time. We were just suddenly stopped, and I was confused, and he was gone. Moved to another city._

_I didn't have to worry about the arguments anymore, and I didn't have to worry about the insanity, and I didn't have to worry about coming back to him over and over even though we all knew he wasn't good for me._

_He once told me he got to know people with the explicit purpose of hurting them later if they got too close. I watched him do it time after time, to Harry, to Ron, to Luna, to Ginny... and I let him._

_He was honest to a complete fault, and most hated him. It was like dating Voldemort himself in young wizard form, and I was at a complete loss._

_But I stayed._

_He was just so cold and so calculating, and so cruel to everyone for all his own, selfish reasons._

_He once admitted he was emotionally abusive. He knew he was. So did I._

_Yet he couldn't stop, and I was attracted._

_I was attracted, and I didn't know why. _

_Something in that coldness, and that calculated sense of control over every aspect of human emotion..._

_I envied him._

_I wanted that. From that day when I found myself submitting to those petty emotions and ending up face to face with a mountain troll, I wanted that._

_It was like he just had this part of him that spoke directly to this part of me that I never let show. Some sort of rebellion within myself I was always too controlled to let loose. _

_The sick, twisted girl within. The one who thought they all deserved everything that was coming to them. The one who had always wanted to do exactly what he did but never had the guts. The one who wanted to fight back._

_That cold, hard exterior._

_Those cold, emotionless eyes._

_That amazingly strong wall that just came up without notice at the drop of a hat, any time he felt threatened._

_I envied Draco Malfoy. Admired him, even._

_I still do._

_He's gone, now._

_Gone to whereever it was he went when he left._

_I won't ever see him again._

_I'm just left here to wonder._

_It's been three years to the day since he left. He didn't leave a note. He didn't leave a message. I haven't seen his owl, and I haven't heard a word from anyone concerning him._

_Maybe I'm just better off not knowing._

_He's this cold, haunting part of my past, and I still shiver in response to his name._

_I don't know if it's a good shiver or a bad shiver. I try not to think about it._

_Yet there was something, somewhere in him, deep within all that pureblooded and smirking exterior... something almost human._

_Or perhaps that was just another part of his act._

_Perhaps that was just his way of getting to know me. So he could hurt me once I hurt him._

_And I did._

_And so did he._

_And now he's gone._

_Perhaps I'll never know._

_Perhaps it's better this way._

A knock resounded on Hermione's door. Sighing, she stood to answer, dropping her quill and shaking her head to clear all the thoughts.

She stood there for a moment after opening it, her mouth formed in a soundless O.

Cold gray eyes met hers.

A wordless embrace.

Then, one word:

"Draco."

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**A/N: Short, but quite possibly one of the more truthful ones of these two. If I get enough requests, I might try for a chapter two. As written, though, it's a oneshot.**

**A little out of my normal comfort zone, but yeah. Let me know what you think.**


	2. Draco

**The characters are J.K. Rowling's. I'm just twisting them all sorts of ways...**

_It's been three years to the day since I walked out of her life._

_I was cold, and I was calculating, and I was cruel, but she let me be._

_I manipulated people. For the sheer power of it, I manipulated them. I didn't need my father's petty _Imperio_. They obeyed my every command without it._

_I told them things. Cruel, unnecessarily evil things that no one else dared say._

_To each and every one of her pathetic little friends._

_And she let me._

_She appealed to me, somehow. _

_In some wretched, weakening little way of hers. Those doe-like eyes. That sweet innocence. _

_That pure, utterly corruptible aura she embodied._

_I loved that about her._

_I hated that._

_In the beginning, I wanted her at my level. I saw that pathetic innocence, and I wanted it crushed. Pure, simple, mangled, just like the blood that ran through her veins._

_I wanted to destroy her._

_Call it what you will._

_Evil, cruel, sadistic... I've heard them all._

_And I do realize they all apply._

_It was what it was._

_Something in her got to me. I might have envied that._

_She made me weaker._

_She made me want to be like her. _

_She made me want to care._

_She made me want to stop._

_I hated that as well._

_There were moments I almost gave in. Those moments, when those beautiful eyes met mine, where I almost fell for her entirely. Where I almost just wanted to throw it all away for her._

_But I was a legacy._

_I was my father's son._

_That power, that pure manipulative skill, flowed through my veins just as much as those wretched muggle ways flowed through hers. _

_It's addictive, really. That sort of power._

_Once one has it, there really is no thought of denying it._

_But she made me doubt._

_And I hated it._

_I did love her._

_I know that, now._

_She was kind, and she was sweet, and she stood by me no matter what I did to her or her disgusting friends._

_That sort of loyalty is hard to come by, especially where I'm from. True, sincere loyalty._

_The utter conflict of that pure, wholesome love in contrast to the gruesome power I possessed consumed me, taking over every part of my being, until I could no longer stand it._

_So I left. _

_Completely, utterly left._

_No one has heard from me since._

_Until now. _

_There it is. _

_My hand poised to knock at her doorstep._

_That annoyingly sweet quickening of my pulse as I hear the doorknob twist._

_That disgustingly adorable look on her face as she sees me._

_The unbearably welcoming smell of her hair as we embrace._

_That beautiful, heart-wrenching mouth of hers forming the word._

_One, simple, word._

_A name._

_Mine._

"Draco."

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**A/N: Okay, yeah, I realize, twisted. But somehow, maybe true? **

**Anyway, at most, one more chapter. But only if people want one again. **

**Let me know what you think.**


	3. Both

**I own nothing but the plot.**

Important: _Italics are Hermione_**. Bold is Draco. _Italicized/Bold is both_.** Enjoy.

* * *

3_ years went by until that day. Slow, grueling years as I tried to move on._

**3 years that I forced myself to stay away. Bound and determined to never look back**

_**3 years of being completely alone, surrounded by people.**_

_I told myself I never wanted him back. I told myself I'd never care again. I told myself of all the things I'd say to him, all the things I'd do to him, all the ways I'd be and all the little things I'd do if I ever looked at him again. If he ever came back from that black hole he disappeared into. I told myself I'd tell him to go away. That I'd turn and run. That I'd never find myself here, in his arms, so soft and quiet and comfortable..._

**I told myself I never wanted to return. She was weak, and she was sensitive, and I didn't want to prey on that anymore. I hated the weaknesses I saw in myself even in protecting her from me. I wanted to be away. I wanted to go forever. I told myself I'd never stoop to that level again. That I'd never look into those pathetic, sweet, absolutely wretched eyes and find myself so lost in them like I did every time she looked at me. I told myself I'd never wrap my arms around her weak, frail body and protect her from the world and let that weakening and absolutely tempting and yet altogether amazing scent surround me all over again...**

_**I told myself I didn't want to be here.**_

_If you had asked me yesterday, I'd tell you I didn't want to be here. I'd tell you all those things I would've done to him. I'd tell you how strong I would be this time. I'd tell you how much my mother never liked him, and how much I never wished to do that to her again. I'd tell you how cruel and just how evil he was, and I'd tell you I wanted no part of that again. I'd even tell you I was glad he was out of my life._

**If you had asked me yesterday, I'd have spoken of her as the weakling I believed her to be. I'd have discussed that frail demeanor and that sickeningly sweet and absolutely naive view on life. I'd tell you how much that grated on my every nerve. I'd tell you of her dirty bloodline and how sick it made me every time I considered it. How I would've rather died than let my father know I was associated with the likes of that. I'd tell you just how relieved I was to be gone.**

**_I wouldn't have told you the truth._**

_I wouldn't have told you I dreamed about him. I wouldn't have told you of just how many times I scanned the sky for the slightest glimpse of his owl. I wouldn't have told you of just how many times my heart jumped at the sound of his name, or how many times I found myself in any sort of conversation involving him, just to get the chance to remember he was real. I wouldn't have told you that all of those pathetic men I've dated in the past 3 years meant nothing to me, nothing compared to him. I wouldn't have told you I still loved him._

**I wouldn't have told you I dreamed about her. I wouldn't have told you of the amounts of times I picked up that quill and threw it across the room in absolute frustration. I wouldn't have told you of just how many times my thoughts drifted to her. How many times I thought I saw that bushy, annoying natural hair from across a room. I certainly wouldn't have told you how much that pathetic organ in my chest skipped a beat at the thought. I wouldn't have told you that each of those pureblooded sluts I shagged since her meant nothing to me, nothing compared to the way she was. I would've died before admitting I still loved her.**

**_I probably still wouldn't tell you._**

_Yet here I am with him..._

**Yet here I am with her...**

**_Yet here we are together._**

_My heart pounding..._

**That sickening thudding sound...**

**_Our lips forming words completely of their own accord._**

_Without a thought._

**Without my consent.**

_Even if it makes no sense._

**Even if it's just for tonight.**

"I love you."

**_Even though I hate it._**

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**A/N: Hey everyone... Sorry it took so incredibly long to update. I just couldn't for the life of me figure out how I wanted this to go. I think it works, though. Let me know what you think! Thanks!**


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